Tippy Toes and Tantrums

Touring a Decorator Show House (Or Design Outside of My Reach)

If you can't say anything nice about someone, sit right here by me. More from the Decorator Show House in Woodside, where I admit that I announced my arrival by tripping over a wooden dog. A real dog would have moved in time. 

Setting All Movements Back in a Single Morning

Feeling fired up about being a liberated woman, I headed to Ikea alone this morning. This is what the Lean In book is all about, no? I haven't read it. I'm hold number 44 at the library and I should expect to receive the book in a little over 200 days. That is the library's real estimate. Maybe I should reserve the large print version because those are always less popular?

Anyway, the feeling that I was unconquerable carried me into the self-serve section. I smirked at Ikea's illustration of two people lifting the box, as I reached over and tried to shift the box containing my small bookcase to one side to get a better grip. Then I knew: there was no way it was going to happen. Sure, the nice Ikea guy who asked if I needed help may have been able to get it on my cart, but was he going to help me get it in the car, then follow me home to take it out? It felt rude to ask. Now I'm left wondering if I can convince Kevin to take a half day off work tomorrow to pick up all of the heavy things I need.I've let down Sheryl Sandberg. And I forgot to marinate the chicken for dinner, so I've also let down whomever spearheads the roll back movement. 

 

Catholics Watch The Masters on Easter

A simple plan to combat overeating at Easter. Set up the buffet in front of the TV:

Everyone watches who eats what and how much. Want seconds? They must be justified to the room full of people glued to The Masters, mostly because you're blocking the TV while freshening your plate. Please note: the picture was taken a few hours after the party began. Brunch was long over, but people we starting to go back for lunner (is that lunch and dinner? linner?).

We've consumed a lot of peanut butter in the last few days, almost all egg-shaped and covered in chocolate. Reese's tastes the most fresh at Easter. Halloween usually has some dried out peanut butter cups, which makes me wonder if people buy their Halloween candy on Nov. 1 and store it in their freezer until next year. 

Mustering up super human strength, I made it back to the gym today, and while on the treadmill, I listened to two old Jewish men discuss the recent holidays. I could no longer listen to Ozzie Guillen on the TV in front of me explain how "I love and respect Fidel Castro" was misinterpreted  - the guy rambles regardless of language, thus the holiday talk was a welcome diversion.

One man explained to the other that his weekends have been taken up by the recent holidays as he had to go to someones house for Palm Sunday, "then, of course, there was Easter."

other guy: What's Palm Sunday? Is it like a second Easter?

first guy: Yeah. I guess so.

other guy: We went to Passover at an orthodox friend of my son's. It was four hours!

first guy: Four hours! Why so long? Did you fall asleep?

other guy: I wanted to, but we all had to read. We read every single page in that book! I didn't get to bed until 12:30, which is three hours after my bedtime!

first guy: Every page? Why?

other guy: The guy's orthodox, so you know he couldn't start it until after sundown, which was 8 p.m. Then he read, and he passed the book around so we can all read. We ate during half time. Not half time, but intermission. I told my wife, if they ask about us next year, tell them we're busy!

first guy: How do you know him?

other guy: I told you, he's a friend of my son's. His parents live down the street from us, and he did too, until 2000. He was a partner in a tech firm, and he left, getting $200 million, and soon after, everything crashed. He got out with the $200 million, so after that, he became orthodox.

first guy: Ahhhhhh. The converted are all like that. 

Hating on the Internets

I don't avoid the internet on vacation, only when we camp and that's because there is zero reception. Even then, I still check a few times, just to be sure the clouds haven't shifted, allowing brief online access.

Something happened on Sunday that made me think differently, which is that the internet is full of idiots who piss me off. Not you. Definitely not you. I woke up, snuggled with the kids, then checked Facebook, which is when the day went south. Two things annoyed me so much I couldn't let go, so I walked away. Well, first I walked over to Kevin so I could rant about the whole thing, but then I really did physically move on almost entirely. I had to send an email, do some banking, then check the football scores while out at a party, but other than that, I didn't go online for the rest of the day. No surprise, I got all self righteous at night as I crowed about going nearly internet free for the day. Look at me, I'm almost Amish!

I didn't even check my beloved Pinterest. When I finally checked it for the first time last night, it was a downer. Has Pinterest reached the saturation point where all the unique stuff has been posted, now it's just Bible quotes and stuff people already know? There was a recipe for a Shirley Temple that consisted of mixing 7Up with bottled grenadine. That is basic shit, people. Someone actually wrote a post about their highly researched find (no joke, the author said she did a lot of research and testing before finding the miraculous mixture), a ton of people commented with kudos, and then some people pinned it. Not one person of sound mind said, 'No duh!" It's a recipe bartenders can make in three seconds flat with their eyes closed. This is a drink that five year old girls can make when they want to look fancy at a cocktail party. I know from experience as the five year old girl.

Maybe it's the false portrayals many people hide behind on Facebook that bother me more. People boasting about this or that, yet never explaining the change in their relationship status or the sudden drop of an employer, even though he or she hyped the shit out of that job a few months ago. Please stop hiding behind the fact that your kid only eats organic fruit so rare and unique that name is unpronounceable. No one is perfect, not you, not me, so stop trying to pretend. Go ahead and tell the world that your child scored the winning goal. That's awesome. But if the goal was during a pick up game at juvenile hall, you may want to clarify things.

Also annoying are the people thinking it's cute to be vague. Don't say something, then ignore the questions that follow. If you put something out there, of course people want to know what is going on, you brought it up.

Then there is the overuse of epic or the return of not, as in "I loved getting a parking ticket. Not!" Let it go.

Let it epically go.

Mom Goals, in 100 Words

This choppy post was written for Shine, under the challenge to write about motherhood in 100 words or less. Happy Mother's Day to all, and to all, a good nap.

What I want to teach my kids:

That you learn to take risks, but not enough that you take up extreme motocross.

That you're kind and polite, but not so much that people take advantage of you. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, it's okay to let the elevator doors close on them while you pretend to press the door open button.

That you master basic skills, even though you say learning to tie shoelaces is pointless. You won't wear Crocs forever.

That you bathe without being forced to do so.

That you learn to laugh freely, especially at yourself.

This Migraine Sponsored By Bully Mom

 
A visual growth chart of my migraine this week, with Wednesday's blood thirsty version looking "like a freaked," as Rocket said. Right now, the pain is small, but the fogginess is high. I keep forgetting what I was supposed to do. Yesterday, the good points of my day included nausea and shakiness.

But in other non-medical news, I lost a good pair of sunglasses at the gym today. I know, will the tragedy never end?

Rocket was called a bully by a mom this week, who had backed him up against a tree and stood over him to make her point. The point being that crazy people find their way into my life. What she accused Rocket of doing (shoving, knocking down, and hurting her son) isn't true, they don't even interact at all, and I can say that after hearing from Rocket's teachers and the boy's teachers.

The mom had talked to her son's teachers, was told it doesn't happen, but they will watch, yet she chose to bully Rocket even though I stood by, telling me after that she thought if he heard from the boy's mom, "it would scare him from touching [her child] again." Never mind the touching never happened. I talked to Rocket's teacher, to the mom, then to the teacher again the next day, and while I know I handled the situation appropriately from a civil standpoint, the mom in me wanted to flip the eff out. She bullied my son, to teach him that bullying was wrong, even though there was no playground bullying to begin with. Another child reported that the mom was saying to Rocket, "Keep your hands off of [her kid]." Her face was so close to Rocket's, I couldn't make out her words at all.

If my child said another kid hit and hurt him, I would be angry too, but I'd talk to the teachers and then, if not satisfied, the parent. Especially when the parent is standing nearby, available to talk. I wouldn't go up to a child in a threatening way.

I've been reassured by the school that the problem is not with Rocket, and that they will watch the situation, but I worry that I failed Rocket. When I saw the mom talking to him, I thought Rocket had bumped into her kid while I had looked away. He's not malicious and I knew he wouldn't do any thing intentionally, but maybe he bumped the boy while running around with one of his friends. When I found out that nothing had happened in the moment, then found out nothing had even happened on the playground, I regret not stopping this mom the second she approached Rocket and backed him into a tree. I regret believing her, even though I knew this didn't sound like behavior I've ever seen from him. It's so hard to figure out how to respond in the moment, and while taking the high road was a good response, there is no feeling of satisfaction. And the worst of it was that one of my first thoughts after the confrontation was that I am no Sarah Palin grizzly mama. I had failed Sarah Palin! The bar was set low, yet I toppled right over it.

So, by noon, Monday, my week was shot to hell. Sprinkle some chocolate on top of the stress, and voila! A freaked migraine!

Bafflement, in Photos

I shot this blurry photo in stealth mode, down by my hip, at Muir Woods in September. Muir Woods was full of tourists and in front of us, one of four German tourists asked to have her picture taken by a friend, then she struck this model-like pose, complete with a serious, non-smiling face. Enough people stopped to watch that her picture must have included a background full of confused faces. We saw her do this two or three more times during our walk, proving it's her standard photo pose. I'm going to try out "the Helga" the next time someone takes my picture.

Even kids need an elevator pitch. This is for Brownie cookie sales, but it's a slippery slope to thinking of themselves as a brand, so they better get their 30-second pitch straight. We all know that if you can't define yourself in hurried moment's notice, you lead a worthless existence. And if you can't sell Thin Mints in a crowded elevator, you don't deserve to wear a brown vest.

My printer hit the skids this week. It wouldn't print or if it did, the paper would jam and eventually come out askew with globs of black ink. All of this was horribly tragic as I was trying to print out Dr. Oz's vitamin recommendations. How else would I remind myself of how much niacin I needed daily?

Kevin pulled out a hair band from between the rollers and we thought that was the end, but the problems persisted, until the printer started squealing, moaning, and huffing, pulling the same paper out a little, then back in, until finally the printer shot out with this little origami box made by Clover. It was like watching the printer give birth. Everything is back to normal now. It's a girl!

Passive Aggressive Bookmark

This note fell out of a book Clover checked out from the library. "Red + Chuck Here is $100 for you to buy some more junk for outside." I would imagine it's meant to be funny, but $100 is a lot of change to hand over for some outdoor junk, which makes me think there's a little annoyance in there too. Not quite a Passive Agressive Note, but close.

We really need to better monitor the books Clover checks out from the library.

Back to School at the Hippie School

Today is the first day of school around here. By around here, I mean in the town around my house. Inside our house, we still have a few weeks of summer left to be lazy and ease into the fast paced schedule of the academic year. Rocket's preschool is old school; they've kept the traditional start date of the first day after Labor Day. But even that seems early compared to the hippie school, which doesn't begin until the week after that. Clover's first day of school is Sept. 14.

I used to joke that the hippie school bases it's start date on the phases of the moon or that they don't start until after the harvest, because people are always shocked when I tell them that our summer break is a full three months, from mid-June to mid-September. It's easier to answer with a joke than the truth, which is that the hippie school's start is much wiser.

I can pack our summer full of camp and outings, knowing that we always end up with an island of time at the end of break allowing us to unwind before another year begins. When the other kids go back to school, there's no waiting for a swing at the park, vacation places are open, parking is plentiful, and best of all, back to school stuff is on clearance.

Despite having plenty of vacation time left, we're not immune to the stress of those around us getting back into the school routines. The shock of waking up early will be followed by the drudgery of homework, all bemoaned on Facebook. Our schedule shifts too, as Fall sports begin and other extra curriculars move to later times to accommodate school schedules. The difference is that we get to take baby steps into the school year.

Now to plan a day trip to Muir Woods.

Moms Get the iPad

Now that the jokes about the iPad name are dying down, we can get back to judging the merits of this thing. Before it was unveiled, I planned to wait until version 2.0 to buy one, but as I watched Apple's presentation, delaying my purchase by a year seemed more difficult. Once the prices were announced, I was ready to place my order.

Here is what the iPad offers that moms understand better than the average tech reviewer: it's a tool that will help not only keep our lives organized, but will help to entertain the kids.

My first thought was that the size and functionality of the iPad is the perfect complement to my current set up. When I drive afternoon carpool, I sometimes arrive at school pretty early. Sure I can read email on my iPhone, but it's a pain to make more than a two sentence reply. My laptop is too cumbersome (and I've got the smallest MacBook for on the go use). Wireless connectivity is limited at Clover's school and nonexistent at Rocket's, which means I'd be lugging around a heavier computer only to use programs not requiring an internet connection. The iPad is the idea size to slip into my bag, allowing me to get work done during the occasional down time that would normally would be lost as I scrolled down on Twitter while waiting for school to let out.

The ability to work in the car sold me on the iPad, but it wasn't until talking to a mom friend that I thought of another huge benefit: mobile entertainment for the kids.

Yes, I hate turning over my iPhone for Rocket to play games and leave sticky fingerprints all over the screen. I'm always afraid the phone is going to slip out of his hands when I'm not looking and it will be forever lost. The benefit of the iPhone - and the iTouch, because we use both - was clear when we flew to Arizona on two flights that were too brief for us to even get the DVD player set up before we began our descent and needed to put away electronic devices. I gave one kid the iPhone and the other the iTouch and let them watch the videos from Here Comes Science. They loved it. It was so much easier than the DVD player, although a larger screen with more video options would have been ideal...which is where the iPad comes in. I could have a movie set up for them in seconds that they could both watch off the same screen.

Yes, the name is lame, but still, iWant.