Tippy Toes and Tantrums

Home Gallery: The Wall of Frames 2.0

Soon after we moved in to this house, I bought a big frame and print for our living room wall. It seemed huge until I put it on the wall where it looked sadly disproportionate to the room. But still it stayed there, much like my half finished wall mounted shelf in my office. I'll get to it...eventually, I'd think.

About two years ago, I ditched the big print, bought a few smaller frames and put them up, but they didn't fill the space either. I bought a few more frames and made Kevin re-hang the whole thing. (He loooved that. There is nothing he loves more than hear me say, "A little more to the left, more, more, that's too much, back, back. Oh this is all wrong. Forget it." Ahem.) Eventually, it happened. It took the entirety of my 40x40 year, but the frames are up and filled. Filling them turned out to be the hardest part.

All of the art was purchased on Etsy. The only piece I created was the papercutting at the bottom center. I've wanted to try papercutting for some time, but it wasn't until recently that I pulled out my X-Acto knife and got down to work.

It was relaxing and meditative. I thought it would be fun, but I didn't expect to be so peaceful. Which is a good thing when taking up a craft featuring a knife.

40x40: The Thrilling Conclusion

40x40. Let's start with the low lights, shall we?

What I Didn't Accomplish

Complete a crochet project - I have the project - bought as a kit to make it easier to achieve - ready to go, but it's been sitting in my closet for...a long time.

Complete the Couch to 5K program - I got through week three, even though it took me about three months, but then it got harder to use the high school tracks (lacrosse and soccer practices start crazy early and I don't need an audience of parents watching me) and it got hot, so I took a long break. I'll restart sometime.

Organize idea binders - I've done part of this by organizing the many magazine pages I rip out for future reference. I need to put them in clear sleeves and organize them in the binders. Again, it will happen, some day.

Learn to hem pants, rather get the courage to touch Kevin's hems - Technically it happened because I have the courage to do the hems, but the time has been the thing that's hard to find. Maybe by the end of summer?

Eat at Foreign Cinema - This should have been the easiest item to cross off the list. The problem is that my parents are our main babysitters, but they give late notice on when they're available, and every time Kevin and I had a night out, we couldn't get into Foreign Cinema at a reasonable time. Reservations at 5 p.m. or 9:30 p.m. aren't reasonable for me. I'm 40, after all.

Get the journals for the kids up to date - didn't even start to do this.

Clear out the pre-marriage boxes in our garage - nope. And the sad thing is that it's only three or four boxes.

Listen to the Spanish language CD with the kids - No lo hiciste. The CDs sit untouched in the console table drawer.

What I Accomplished: A Lot

Turning 40

I switched on the radio as I drove away from the preschool this morning. The first song was a live version of Bruce Springsteen's Glory Days and the second was Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. It was the most appropriate 40th birthday soundtrack: old enough to get caught up in the highlights of my younger days, but still hopeful enough to think the best is yet to come.

Overall, I have no problem with 40. I'm wiser than I was at 30, I care less about some things (relationship drama - any relationship, even Facebook) and care more about the right things (being with the people I care about the most and making certain my kids get into the best colleges possible*). Yet, I had a momentary freak out yesterday - in an airport, where the worst soul searching happens - wishing I could slam on the brakes for just a minute. While 40 doesn't bother me, 41 does. It's the never ending passage of time that picks up speed as one grows older. I never thought I'd turn 16 or 21 because the days moved by so slowly, but now the treadmill is running at full speed and I want to take it down just a notch.

I remember my mom's 40th birthday, which to me, really marks my age. I am old enough to remember my parents at my age. Two years into her 40s, while grocery shopping with my mom, I remember her having a conversation with the male cashier (I think the male part is relevant) where she happened to say that she was 40 years old. My youngest sister, sitting in the cart, corrected her as if she was doing my mom a favor. "No mom, you're 42!" My mom blushed and asked my sister if that was necessary. I was used to my mom lying about her age. She had dark Italian hair that was so brown it looked black, making it easier for her to knock a few years off her age.

Kids change so quickly as they grow up. You may not see someone for a summer, then when you do, you notice the kid has grown three inches. The changes are constant and seem to come so fast. Sometime in the 20s, it feels like looks stay stagnant. Yes, hair colors, cuts, and styles change, but for the most part, my friends and I all looked about the same for a good 10+ years. Now it feels like the next change is beginning. It's so odd to run into an old friend and notice new lines on her face. It's not a judgment, it's an observation of time. And if it's happening to her, it's happening to me. While in New Orleans this week, Kevin and I sat on a couch under a window, which is when I noticed his hair was turning gray. He shrugged, as if it was no big deal, but I wanted to ask when this happened. When did the gray hairs happen? Or the laugh lines? Do I need glasses? What did I walk into this room for, anyway? When did we start to age? I know it was always there, happening slowly and quietly, but when you notice it, it's shocking.

This birthday begins a new chapter, but I won't know the story until I look back years from now. My 20s were spent going to college, living in Washington, D.C., going to grad school in Boston, working, moving around some more, and meeting Kevin when I was 27. It was a decade of me. We got married soon after my 30th birthday, ushering in a decade of family. With my kids getting older, they need me slightly less...and less and less with each year. By the time I'm 50, Clover will be in college. So much is going to happen in the next 10 years, and while I can't wait to see what happens, I wish it would happen in slow motion.

*Calm down, it's a joke. We're going to homeschool college them.

A 40x40 conclusion will be posted soon. Spoiler alert: I did not finish the list.

40x40: Read Brideshead Revisited

I bought this book almost exactly 19 years ago and it has been nagging me ever since. I was a freshman in college and a whole group of people I knew loved this book. Really loved it, in the way tween girls love Justin Beiber. I bought it before heading to Spring Break, which was dumb because who reads anything more than a magazine while on Spring Break in Palm Springs? I remember reclining poolside with hands oily from suntan lotion, trying to get some momentum on this book. It didn't happen. Nor did it happen the other times I tried to read it over the past 19 years.

That is, until last Monday night when I cracked it open, with absolute determination to grit my teeth and get through it. Very quickly this time, I fell into it. I loved it. It was finished within days. I can't believe it took me this long to complete.

But I still don't know what made me think it was appropriate reading for Spring Break.

The Advent Stockings are Finished!

The stockings were finished last night, and I woke up with a stiff back to prove it.

I am so happy to have this project complete. It's been years of nagging stress hanging over me that is now gone.

As I sewed the last two, I wanted to hurry - I was so close to the finish line, after all - but I tried not to rush over any details, reminding myself that if I do it right, this could be something my grandchildren use. When they're adults, I'm going to force one of the kids to take the stockings, I'm sure, along with the pet turtle.

My reward awaited me once I finished: hard cider and a brownie from Tartine.

And the joy of knowing this project is finally complete. Woo hoo!

Getting the Stocking Monkey Off My Back

Nablopomo (National Blog Posting Month) is coinciding with a long standing unfinished project that I need to put to rest and since both are causing me stress, I've decided to combine them into one giant stressball of anxiety. With the help of progress and Ativan, I hope to get beyond this and come out of November ready to enjoy Christmas.

The project is my never ending advent stockings that I began maybe four years ago. Maybe five. I can't remember. I was off to a quick start, completing up to five stockings until I decided to make the design look a little nicer, which took more time and creative energy, and I stalled out at 15. My plan was that instead of using a pathetic little 99 cent advent calender with sub-par chocolate, I'd make this a family oriented countdown. The holidays go by fast enough and this was one way I could slow things down a bit, mostly by forcing some family time on my family. I'd put a little note in each stocking, saying things like, "picnic in the family room for dinner!" but once I hit the last complete stocking (day 15), I'd keep reusing it until we reached Dec. 24. People visiting would look at the stockings and ask why we didn't go beyond Dec. 15, seeming to wonder if Dec. 16 was the day we celebrated Christmas. I finally added a day 23 and 24 (and I've lost 23 somehow), thinking maybe filling in the middle would be easier. I'm lazy, okay? Cutting out felt isn't as fun as one may imagine.

After years of putting up the half complete advent stockings, it's either time to finish or pack them away forever, but because I put them on my 40x40 list, I've got to finish them. And I want to finish them, as much as when it's late at night and I'm re-threading my bobbin, I regret the decision to walk away from the 99 cent chocolate calenders. What was I thinking?

In the next 30 days, I'm going to finish the stockings. A little baby step each day - or maybe a big leap one day to account for a day or two off. Scratch that. If I take a day off, the train will become derailed. It's every day.

Really, what was I thinking when I eschewed the cheap advent calendars sold near store check out lanes? There's no shame in a little milk chocolate, especially when I'm not the one eating it.

40x40: The Midterm Review

I just about peed my pants in fear when I realized I had under six months to complete this list. It only got worse as I went down the list and found I'm not making nearly as much progress as I'd thought. Okkkaayy. Strap on the strap on because this is about to get real.

Where it stands today:

complete a crochet project - Failing miserably. Haven't started.

complete the Couch to 5K program - Oh please. I've gotten a few weeks in, then stopped and restarted. Twice. Still hopeful. Each time I've restarted, the first run is incredibly easy, until it's not. As I glide around the track, I always think, "I can run forever. I can run a marathon. This is awesome. This is awes...oh my god, I think I'm gonna die. I'm dying..."

organize idea binders - Not a bit. Jeez, I'm a slacker.

learn to snake the main line - Now I'm getting down on myself. No progress.

get current with my New Yorker subscription - Did it, now need to do it again.

end the magazine back log - These damn magazines keep coming every week. I feel like Sisyphus here!

take Rocket to Disneyland for the first time - WOO HOO! VICTORY! Crossed off the list in April.

take the kids to NYC - Did it in August! Thankfully blogging about the trip wasn't on my list because that didn't happen.

BlogHer10! - Yep!

do something with my arms - I've kind of come to terms with them. I was forced to bare them at my sister's wedding, which made me adopt a "who cares?" approach. As my sister said, "You have fat arms. Everyone knows. Get over it." There is nothing like sibling love.

successful veggie garden (aka beat the deer) - Did it. Sort of. The fence worked. We had one deer intrusion, but s/he didn't get much, thanks to my Fort Knox-style netting. The garden didn't look the same after a summer heat wave while we were on the East Coast, though, making it hard to claim a full garden victory. It will be better next year because we've hired a gardener. After his first visit, I wanted to tackle him like Tigger on Pooh. Is one yard cleaning too soon to feel true love?

alter and hang Rocket's drapes - Done and done.

learn to hem pants, rather get the courage to touch Kevin's hems - well, Kevin took about six pairs of pants to the dry cleaner to get altered, which means a big no.

take my vitamins - started strong, then not so much.

take the kids to a candy store and let them buy whatever they want (within a tiny budget) - Did it TWICE and it was awesome.

finish Brideshead Revisited - haven't even found my 20 year old copy.

go on an adventure - I think this is in progress

tone down my yelling - kind of, depending upon how strictly 'toned down' is defined.

eat at Foreign Cinema - Nope.

go away with Kevin - yes, Mendocino in May.

take the kids to at least one Giants game this year - Yes! Rocket went to one game, Clover went to two. Go Giants!

margaritas on the front deck - once, but not enough

finish advent stockings - oh no.

take Rocket to a Stanford football game - Did it! Go Cardinal! As for the picture, after Rocket had his face painted, Clover said, "You're a Stanford head! I'm going to call you an S-head!" She proceeded to call him "a little S-head" repeatidly until I finally stopped laughing and told her to stop.

update my blog design - Yay! Update happened in August.

get the journals for the kids up to date - haven't even found the journals. Not good.

get annual photo albums for the kids relatively up to date - I've made progress. I made three albums on Shutterfly.

take the kids to a movie they want to see, but I don't - Yep. How to Train Your Dragon, or something like that.

figure out my new camera - I've gotten better, but I'm going to an amazing Me Ra Koh workshop next weekend that should help tremendously.

teach the kids to ride a bike - YES!

get off Diet Coke - no longer addicted!

get air conditioning - Hell yeah!

clear out the pre-marriage boxes in our garage - Made progress, but nowhere near done. But also not going to appear on Hoarders, so that's good.

listen to the Spanish language CD with the kids - no! (Read that in Spanish.)

go to Glass Beach - Did it in May during our Mendocino trip.

figure out Photoshop - step by step, making progress.

knit a chunky scarf - yep, all the way back in March.

find a plant/do something with living room corner - no, but hiring someone to take a look at our house.

fill living room frames - in progress

Muir Woods

take the kids to the Marin sites of my childhood - we've pretty much done it.

I'm not going to lie, I'm getting a little nervous. There's a lot to do here and I can't rely on caffeine from a Diet Coke to kick start my campaign. Doh!

August, In Chaos

One day, we'll look back and think it wasn't a mistake to go directly from this:

 

to this:

 

to this:

 

But right now, I'm doing my best to stay afloat. It will get easier next week. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

40x40: Candy Overdose

There was an unexpected opportunity to cross off a 40x40 goal while at Peter Pan last week. I can be tight with sugar, yet both of my kids have a sweet tooth, which makes me feel like a hard-ass most of the time. My plan had been to take them to a candy shop, give them each $5 and let them spend it as they wished. However, I was kind of reluctant to do that because the nearby candy shop is pricey and I knew the $5 would not go far at all, which would cut into the fun. Plus, they'd have to keep weighing, adding a little, re-weighing and that's a buzz kill too.

CityMama tipped us off that the Peter Pan concessions featured a $6 candy tub. It was a small Chinese food-style container that could be filled to the brim with candy, all for the flat $6 fee. Stefania held three modestly filled containers for her kids and a friend, but I knew my kids wouldn't settle for that. That's when I remembered the 40x40 goal, plunked down my $12 and let the kids go to town.

I helped Rocket, who picked a variety of candies, a little of this and that, while Kevin tried to guide Clover. When we walked out, I picked up both containers to carry into the theater. Clover's was easily double the weight of Rocket's. It felt like a brick. They were both filled to the top, but she must have pressed down with the metal scoop to compact the candy to make more room. Like trash day after a big party, when you're determined to get everything into the garbage can. I can't say I blame her.

Rocket fed himself a nonstop stream of candy, kind of like how one would eat movie popcorn, during the show, until I took the containers away to slow the kids down. I gave them back later and while Clover showed a lot of restraint, Rocket nearly finished his stash. This was all washed down with lemonade, of course. I was happy, the kids were ecstatic (and a little confused by this change in my attitude) and all was well.

Until 3 a.m. when we heard, "Mom? I threw up."

40x40: Visit Glass Beach

Real seaweed that looks fake

I've wanted to visit Glass Beach in Fort Bragg for years, but we never got around to it. I first read about the beach about a week after we'd returned from a trip to Mendocino. I hate when the universe's timing is off. This trip, it was the only thing on our wide-open agenda. Glass Beach used to be a garbage dump back when the ocean was treated like a garbage disposal. Not like now, where oceans are treated with care and have been restored to their pristine condition, for example, the Gulf of Mexico. Oh wait...scratch that. Anyway, an alternative garbage dump was established in 1967 and toxic dumping at Glass Beach was prohibited. The glass left behind all over the beach is the result of the spot's dark past. Most of it, at least. Some of the largest bottle chunks indicate some one's been drinking Coronas at the beach and leaving the empties behind.

There were tiny pebbles of sea glass everywhere, and even though we'd read that collecting was prohibited, everyone there was scavenging for good pieces. One family brought a Costco-sized detergent tub to hold their haul. As we approached the beach, we saw an old woman precariously clinging to the side of a bluff. At first I thought she'd gotten stuck trying to climb out and needed help, but then I noticed the bag hanging from her wrist and saw that she was collecting the hard to reach glass. The sea glass was pretty, but not worth risking one's life. That lady was on her way to earning a Darwin Award. If something tragic happened to her, I imagined her family saying, "Grandma died doing what she loved...taking free stuff."

The visit was fun, even if I did feel dizzy from looking down at the ground for so long, but I don't think I need to go back unless up that way with Clover. She's the type of girl who'd climb the side of a bluff to get free stuff.