I forgot that today was supposed to be the first day of the rest of my life. My "yippee! the kids are both in school" day had been delayed a few weeks because of myriad meetings and other merda filling up my free time. I kept looking toward today as my first free morning, but then I forgot until this morning when after leaving the gym I paused and panicked when I realized I did not have a plan for what to do next. Instead of feeling liberated, I hyperventilated.That was until I came home to see that my pajamas had been knocked to our closet floor and our dog had made a nest out of them, meaning I needed to do laundry. Once I got to the bottom of the closet, I decided to clean up the bags, totes and purses. My messenger bag had the remnants of our early September sojourn to see the Giants: on the positive side were two crisp $20 bills, but the negative side was the remainder of Clover's cotton candy, which looked small and fossilized. Thankfully it was in a plastic bag because it turned to powdery clumps when touched.
This month I've learned that there is always something to fill the time. A call that needs to be made or an email returned. Maybe I need to realize that taking a whole morning off is not for me. I'm not someone who can sit still unless I feel like I've accomplished a good deal already that day, which I know is not very healthy. Two years back, I talked to a friend about a silent, meditative retreat and said I'd like to try it. He quickly had one of those "BAHHH! HAAAAHAAA!" blurting laughs and said I wouldn't make it an hour. Sadly, I think he's right. Maybe I need to accept that the constant motion is how I operate and learn to relax within that because fighting it only makes it worse.
I've tried to work a few me moments into my day since the school year began. I started downloading a zencast (the Buddhists can't just say podcast, it has to be fancy and zen) done by a local meditation center where I've gone a few times and I find that a good way to wind down at night. The second thing was my summer goal that never got off the ground, which was to work on improving my embroidery skills. Some improvement is better than none, in embroidery and life. I hope. Finding $40 helps too.